so happy birthday to me, I guess.

seriously, when I get asked, 'do you feel any older?' or 'do you feel any different?' on my birthdays, I'm just like.. -.-
what is expected of me to be said? 'oh; yes, OF COURSE! it's as if this huge wave of relief has ridden over me because I am now officially one year older than I previously was.'
...I don't understand. Anyway..
today was ok - wasn't mind-blowing; wasn't too shitty..which is good enough for me, haha. birthdays are interesting, and all, but..I don't know; holidays in general just don't agree too well with me. I always seem to feel kinda empty, like something's missing or I forgot something. it's horrible.
today, like many days, it was my father..I wish he were there. I just felt like, despite the fact that the majority of my immediate and close family were there, a huge chunk was missing..
I hope some miracle or wonder finds it's way over here and I get to see him again..I feel like I both need it and deserve it.
but on a different, less depressing note..ok; maybe not too light-hearted..
boys. GET OVER YOURSELVES, please. you put on this façade of fearlessness, authority, and macho-ness. come ON! seriously..and I know girls are just as bad; trust me, it's a given. but at least girls are somewhat - albeit a little emotional and nonsensical - open of their feelings and what's going through their heads. guys just deny shit, pretend it never happened, and go about their daily lives acting as if their not affected by anything, whatsoever..if you can honestly say that you've never had your heart broken, never cried, never backed down, never felt defenseless, then fuck off - you're only fooling yourself, schmucko.
so now that I've gone COMPLETELY OFF - TOPIC..yeah, I'm done ranting.
there's only so much you can type at 2 am with shitty vision yawning every five seconds, so..adios; für jetzt.

Current listen:

• 'Heart of fire' - Innerpartysystem

-Really all of their songs..they're so powerful; not just the lyrics, but the music and videos, too..
'heart of fire' totally speaks to me, though.
Anyway..

I seriously think I'm going insane. Either that, or fucking..I don't know. I just don't give a shit anymore. Not necessarily even because I don't want to..I just don't. Perhaps part of my apathy is due to my current surrounding and wish to just be gone from here.. I can't stand it. I have the same, uniform schedule every day...get up, go to school, come home, go to work and/or stay home/go out somewhere. My life, currently, doesn't involve anything exciting and I can't stand it. So take a stand, right? I can't even do that..I have to wait at least two months; to get school over with, to eventually quit my job..
None of my friends are doing anything remotely exciting, either. For the most part, they're all staying here..fuck knows why. I can't even relate with them; nor attempt to relate with them, because..they don't understand. I don't care, but the ways in which they don't care are on a totally different level.
I understand that this is the beginning of my life, and that I still have so much more to do with it..to see, experience, that such. But right now I feel as if I'm at this roadblock, stuck in cement, with no means of getting away from it..it seriously kills me from the inside. It depresses me.
The thought of becoming what the majority of my family is like..what so many people I know of are like..
I can't. And hopefully I won't.

finally..

I'm sick of sitting, I'm sick of waiting
I'm sick of letting my life go to waste.
living dreams that exist in every head but my own,
carrying out thoughts that are never acknowledged nor heard,
being homeless in a place that is supposed to be my home.
THE WORLD IS NOT MY OYSTER.
rant, scream, sicken me - it's all you ever do; it's all you'll ever do.
can you really keep me chained down forever? is that what you really think?
can you really keep me traumatized, frightened, listless for what's to come ahead?
cause trust me - the only thing I currently feel is numbed by your blasphemy.
the only apathy I feel is for you.
and I'm done...so completely, thoroughly, and utterly done.
thanks for shit.

let yourself fly

So it's been decided that I will be attending FIT in the fall, instead of SVA, which..saddens me greatly in many ways because SVA was my top school and all..but since FIT starts all applicants with their associates' degree, I've realized I could always go there for two years and transfer; worse comes to worse. Granted, both schools are located in Manhattan - they are actually ten blocks away from each other - they have a great atmosphere, their foundation programs are generally the same, and I will no doubt about it have a great time, because a) I won't be on Long Island; b) I'll be in arguably one of the greatest cities on the planet; and c) I'll be able to concentrate on more of what I love doing, which is photography, and not all of that other mumbo-jumbo bullshit that they teach in school that you just KNOW you'll never use in your every day life..
Of course, my mother is having her little incestuous breakdowns..as if I'm not stressed enough as is, haha. It's the whole, "are you SURE you want to do this?" and the, "oh, TRUST ME..I know you generally don't care, Killian, but..when you have a chain-smoking, r&b loving roomate, you will" - basically stupid nonsensical shit that I just wish would end. I think, for the most part, she worries because I'm basically the first person in my immediate family to attend college..who knows.
Anyway..hopefully this will all gradually become better. We'll see..

so bamboozle was pretty great..

..not gonna lie. Most of the bands I were familiar with, but I was introduced to some new ones, too..I met some cool people, as well. Unfortunately, none of them live by me..no new news. :/
Can't wait for Warped! I'm gonna try and go 7/16-7/18..
7/16 - Camden, NJ
7/17 - Uniondale, NY
7/18 - Oceanport, NJ
There goes another one of my paychecks! :D Totally worth it, though..