warped tour.

so my experience with warped tour was an interesting one this year. I didn't care for the majority of the bands who performed, but it didn't matter to me. To me, the fun you experience is mostly defined by you and your outlook on whatever the situation may be. I wanted to go to see Innerpartysystem mostly, because they are absolutely amazing as a band, especially live..I'll get back to that later, though. Anyway, so Long Island sucks, as is. I'm saying this as someone who has lived here for basically my entire life minus two years spent in Florida..it's a very..I guess you could say, 'what you make it' kinda place. The music scene's basically - well, actually, IS - D-E-A-D. Probably why most bands don't play here often; even the ones who originate from here. People are obscenely obnoxious, especially when driving..and really, if you live here you're either dirt poor or filthy rich; there's almost no middle ground. But today made me forget that, somewhat.
First, when I walk in - and I kinda knew it was going to occur during the day; I mean, c'mon..have you not SEEN the lineup this year? - a young girl, I'll give her 13, in matching zebra bra and belt is standing there on the side of the road; like a greeting sign. Okay..seriously? I mean, not to be a stooper, but how did that girl's parents even allow her to walk out of the house like that? And even so..how does she not realize that her attire automatically SCREAMS whorebag? I guess one could say it's kind of a given when attending events such as these..my friend, who I was with, made a comment: 'you ever wonder where all the scene kids go? like..it's almost as if they're in hiding until these things pop up'. I had to admit..it got me thinking.
Then, my lovely, ice cold water bottle that I had spent a nice 2$ on, had to be dumped. and there was A LOT of water in there.....made me a little sad. ): But I got to refill it later on a couple of times.
I met some cool people. Cole Kriescher from More Like The Movies, Zack Pennington from Hark The Herald, and..this guy who, I can't remember his name..but! I do know that August 31st his band, or the band he supports, Lights Resolve, is playing a show at the Bowery. so I will most definitely stop by, haha. Of course, also, I met the great Innerpartysystem - just to make a quick side note, but..is it only me who realizes how reclusive Patrick is in person, then on stage, he's like..a party animal/total opposite? It's quite amusing.. - once again, both to scold Kris and support them. I wasn't kidding when I said that by the next day, I'd have killer shoulders..I was holding up their sign all day, haha. They did, in fact, turn out quite jacked and tan..
As previously stated, I didn't care for the majority of the bands there who did perform. However, in addition to meeting some great ones, I was introduced to some, as well. Two bands I highly recommend, because they were so kick-ass live, are The AKA's & ThereforeIAm.
At the end of the day, after seeing Innerpartysystem and their wonderful set - who could not admire the passion they put into their music? - getting a kiss on the cheek from Kris Barman - that's right, bitch - and having issues with getting home, I realized the forty bucks I spent was well worth it. Cause really, in the end, your day is what you make it.

shit happens.

I have ADD -
I'm a complex personality
I think way too much
Sometimes I risk myself into believing luck
I see it blue, want it read
Yet I have so much shit myself bottled into my head
Sometimes one life's not enough
To get what you want done
Sometimes one day's too short
To remember or forget what you were thinking of
Sometimes it takes years to establish long-lost hope
Sometimes it takes more than a blanket to treat you from the cold
Shit happens, but why do we let it interfere?
Shit happens, but there's so much more worth it to adhere.

desperation meets confusion.

I want to speak to you, I do. It's like the pop-up box on a computer...yes, no. yes, no. I know that if I do, not only will it be awkward as fuck, but also I'll wind up hurting myself more..what's up with that? especially when I go to talk to you, anyway. why do I allow myself to be obliterated? do I have THAT much long-lost hope? how much more pathetic can it seem..

seriously.

'take it all in, and breathe it out slow.'

do you feel lonely? cause I see something in your eyes; I swear I do; and it doesn't look too good..yeah, it doesn't look too good. you've got the melancholy - honey, please talk to me - I'm achin' to see a smile light up your face..
yeah, you feel you're all you got, but honey, no you're not.
yeah, you feel you're all you got, but honey, how could you have forgot?
I'm your personality - I create your visuality.
I control what you do..honey, I'm just the same as you.
I know you're polite - you'll lie through your teeth till ya die.
if that's what it takes to keep everyone else in the state you wish to be -
why aren't you in the state you wish to be?
you look yourself in the mirror, but you don't see you.
I don't see you, I don't see you.
distort and twist and turn till you're sore -
keep torturing your mind; keep poisoning your mind -
convince yourself you deserve your hate -
honey, stop playing mind games.
cause yeah, you feel you're all you got, but honey, no you're not.
yeah, you feel you're all you got, but honey, how could you have forgot?
I see your pain, I reflect it, too.
cause everything that crosses you burns through me, too.
yeah, everything that crosses you burns into me, too.
I control what you do..honey, I'm just the same as you.
I'm just the same as you.

so happy birthday to me, I guess.

seriously, when I get asked, 'do you feel any older?' or 'do you feel any different?' on my birthdays, I'm just like.. -.-
what is expected of me to be said? 'oh; yes, OF COURSE! it's as if this huge wave of relief has ridden over me because I am now officially one year older than I previously was.'
...I don't understand. Anyway..
today was ok - wasn't mind-blowing; wasn't too shitty..which is good enough for me, haha. birthdays are interesting, and all, but..I don't know; holidays in general just don't agree too well with me. I always seem to feel kinda empty, like something's missing or I forgot something. it's horrible.
today, like many days, it was my father..I wish he were there. I just felt like, despite the fact that the majority of my immediate and close family were there, a huge chunk was missing..
I hope some miracle or wonder finds it's way over here and I get to see him again..I feel like I both need it and deserve it.
but on a different, less depressing note..ok; maybe not too light-hearted..
boys. GET OVER YOURSELVES, please. you put on this façade of fearlessness, authority, and macho-ness. come ON! seriously..and I know girls are just as bad; trust me, it's a given. but at least girls are somewhat - albeit a little emotional and nonsensical - open of their feelings and what's going through their heads. guys just deny shit, pretend it never happened, and go about their daily lives acting as if their not affected by anything, whatsoever..if you can honestly say that you've never had your heart broken, never cried, never backed down, never felt defenseless, then fuck off - you're only fooling yourself, schmucko.
so now that I've gone COMPLETELY OFF - TOPIC..yeah, I'm done ranting.
there's only so much you can type at 2 am with shitty vision yawning every five seconds, so..adios; für jetzt.

Current listen:

• 'Heart of fire' - Innerpartysystem

-Really all of their songs..they're so powerful; not just the lyrics, but the music and videos, too..
'heart of fire' totally speaks to me, though.
Anyway..

I seriously think I'm going insane. Either that, or fucking..I don't know. I just don't give a shit anymore. Not necessarily even because I don't want to..I just don't. Perhaps part of my apathy is due to my current surrounding and wish to just be gone from here.. I can't stand it. I have the same, uniform schedule every day...get up, go to school, come home, go to work and/or stay home/go out somewhere. My life, currently, doesn't involve anything exciting and I can't stand it. So take a stand, right? I can't even do that..I have to wait at least two months; to get school over with, to eventually quit my job..
None of my friends are doing anything remotely exciting, either. For the most part, they're all staying here..fuck knows why. I can't even relate with them; nor attempt to relate with them, because..they don't understand. I don't care, but the ways in which they don't care are on a totally different level.
I understand that this is the beginning of my life, and that I still have so much more to do with it..to see, experience, that such. But right now I feel as if I'm at this roadblock, stuck in cement, with no means of getting away from it..it seriously kills me from the inside. It depresses me.
The thought of becoming what the majority of my family is like..what so many people I know of are like..
I can't. And hopefully I won't.

finally..

I'm sick of sitting, I'm sick of waiting
I'm sick of letting my life go to waste.
living dreams that exist in every head but my own,
carrying out thoughts that are never acknowledged nor heard,
being homeless in a place that is supposed to be my home.
THE WORLD IS NOT MY OYSTER.
rant, scream, sicken me - it's all you ever do; it's all you'll ever do.
can you really keep me chained down forever? is that what you really think?
can you really keep me traumatized, frightened, listless for what's to come ahead?
cause trust me - the only thing I currently feel is numbed by your blasphemy.
the only apathy I feel is for you.
and I'm done...so completely, thoroughly, and utterly done.
thanks for shit.